Tuesday, February 8th, 2005 (1 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Curtain Call Time: 8:50 pm. Mood: blank. This is it. This is all there ever was. This is the end of something. This is a blackout. This is a silent wave. This is goodbye. (This is closed. No explaination needed.) Monday, November 24th, 2003 (4 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Gotta Catch My Head Before It Floats Away Time: 8:57 am. Mood: lazy. Overwhelming sense of disconnectedness lately... Like my head will float away if I don't hold on to it... I think it's due, in large part, to the end of the semester approaching... That... And blonds, natural or unnatural, are confusing at best. Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 (Watch the falling snow) Subject: New Song Time: 10:39 pm. Mood: tired. "A Shout to the Gods of Old" -Recover From The Fall Just turn away Give me that smile I've seen a thousand times before Make a promise, break it, and swear it won't happen again A circular discourse trapped in a moment of self-deprication One heart confused, the other lost within itself The streetlights display a sound of breaking in two A single dose of happiness captured in a photograph The river will make clean all this confusion and guilt Hide time under the rug to keep it from surfacing An echoing disaster Put it to bed again And in one brief second A decision about eternity Five in the morning, sleep the tragedy away With a cigarette in hand, dance past the memory When home stops being safe, pack your shit and leave Fly across the watre, run far far away The final chapter in a book of forbidden emotion Can a metallic heart feel anything but sorrow If love conquers all then why am I waiting A final answer is something only she can give No more containment Kiss me just once more And in one brief second A decision about eternity An echoing disaster Put it to bed again And in one brief second A decision about eternity (2 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: X-Mart A Go Go Time: 2:16 pm. Mood: exanimate. Friday.....Late Night at Soul Bar. Saturday.....Hangin at Holls, Porn, and Huddle House. Sunday.....Clean Room and Clean Laundry. She called me... I was pensive to call her back due to circumstance... She's at school... I want to go see her... But I have a nagging doubt... I don't know what to do anymore. Thursday, November 20th, 2003 (2 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Disease-Ridden Corpse Time: 4:29 pm. Mood: discontent. Once again... I am finding a way to make life difficult... I generally accept this fact... Knowing that this is my position in life... However... This time... It eats away at me... Slowly breaking my mind down... Which, in turn, makes life even worse... A decision is going to be made this coming week... Whether consciously or not... And at that point... Life... And all it's confusion... Should somehow sort itself out again (Hopefully) Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 (4 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Wave Goodbye To The Past Time: 10:34 pm. Mood: satisfied. I talked to the ex tonight... For the last time... I finally released all of the baggage that I had over the situation... And I finally have a clean slate now... I'm glad she realized her mistakes... But now... It's just goodbye. (3 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Can't Get This Outta My Head Time: 5:21 pm. Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel My heart's in overdrive and you're behind the steering wheel Touching you, touching me Touching you, God you're touching me I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my hart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down I believe in a thing called love Ooh! I wanna kiss you every minute, every hour, every day You got me in a spin but everything is A.OK! Touching you, touching me Touching you, God you're touching me I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my hart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down I believe in a thing called love Ooh! Guitar! Touching you, touching me Touching you, God you're touching me I believe in a thing called love Just listen to the rhythm of my hart There's a chance we could make it now We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down I believe in a thing called love Ooh! -The Darkness "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" (8 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Q & A Time: 11:34 am. Mood: awake. I was going to post this Monday...but I forgot. Ok, here's the setup. Holls and I were outside during Acting I and she asked me if I could take 5 female celebrities to a deserted island...who would they be? I answered, and I asked her the same thing, only with males. Then I asked her if she could take 5 people she knew to a deserted island, who would they be. Then she asked me. Here's my responce. **Females I Know To Take To A Deserted Island** (In No Specific Order) Angel Cecilia Gina Jennifer Fe-lo ShoSho Summer Hannah Mels Angie Lindsey Mika Amanda Candace--for a ritualistic sacrifice to appease the Island Gods Hallie--same as above Holls--to hold the videocamera and for pointing and laughing Yes, she and I got a big laugh out of my list. (Watch the falling snow) Subject: My Heart's In Overdrive And You're Behind The Steering Wheel Time: 9:15 am. Mood: bouncy. It was a long night... Once again sleep was a foreign splendor that I could not obtain... My mind wandered all night... Mostly to my past... And the personal failures that lie there... However... A realization... I can no longer dwell in the past and have my future driven by those dead days... I have to realize what she told me about myself is true... I must put my demons to bed... Starting today. Tuesday, November 18th, 2003 (2 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Yes, I Do Wear Eyeliner Time: 11:33 pm. Mood: indescribable. Life's on the uprise... I just live one day at a time. Monday, November 17th, 2003 (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Advice From an Unexpected Source Time: 4:41 pm. Mood: okay. I got the best advice from an unexpected source today... He told me that I just needed to put it in the back of my mind... Not to forget about it... And if things work out... Then you'll still be in the same place... :) (4 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Decision Time: 9:27 am. Mood: aggravated. I'm not leaving my house anymore. (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Open Fire Time: 8:57 am. Mood: irritated. I thought that today was going to be ok... Yet, I awake to find out that... The sleep I got wasn't good... I feel like the world's against me today... That I'm the target for everyone's grief... Whatever... I wanted to scream toward God last night... Find out why I end up hurting those that I care for... And why I am not allowed to be happy... Ever... The air was cold last night... Mixed with the conversation... The hole in my chest reopened... My heart has gone from stone to metal... And it isn't her fault... I'm just not allowed to be happy. Sunday, November 16th, 2003 (Watch the falling snow) Subject: According to Palmistry Time: 7:23 pm. Mood: same as below. Your Life Line reveals that you like to travel, but will always return home. You need a lot of space which is why you prefer spending time outdoors. You tend to have strong romantic tendencies. Your Head Line reveals that you lack confidence, but have a sense of grievance. You carry a chip on your shoulder, but will vent this emotion through participating in political activities. Your Heart Line reveals that you have a masculine nature and are easily aroused by your own desires. You are able to maintain a good balance between the physical and emotional sides that accounts for your warm and generous disposition. Your Fate Line reveals that you will have an early and independent start to your career, and will be successful in your life's work. Your Sun Line reveals that you have a remarkable character whose powers can be used to either benefit or harm mankind, depending on your outside influences. You will have a lot of personal success and achievement in the literary arts. Your career will be helped and guided by those around you. You have an Air hand. You are a person who is independent, intellectual, analytical and unpredictable. Your optimal career choices are to work as a writer, psychiatrist, scientist, detective and teacher. (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Cave Jumper Time: 7:16 pm. Mood: nervous. Off to the Cove in a bit... And I'm quite nervous about what tonight's going to bring about... I should just roll with it as the Jew says... Maybe tonight... Things will be ok. Saturday, November 15th, 2003 (4 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Recap Time: 4:01 pm. Mood: energetic. Alcohol is good for me... So is a new piercing... I need to get some sleep. Friday, November 14th, 2003 (1 Watched the world die | Watch the falling snow) Subject: Good Times Time: 6:59 pm. Mood: happy. New clothes... An eyebrow ring... And alcohol... All in one night... (Must contain urge to do the happy dance) Fuck that... (Does the happy dance anyways) Thursday, November 13th, 2003 (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Something I Don't Normally Do Time: 10:38 pm. Mood: creative. Ok, I should start by saying that I'm a lead singer in a local band called "Recover From The Fall"...I write all the lyrics and...yeah....for some reason, I felt the need to post some lyrics that I just wrote. So here goes.... "Eyeliner and A Handful of Rounds" This is your last chance for a clean shot So you better make it count Don't think you can just walk away from this Point your barrel at the base of my skull Can't you hear the laughter You were never one for a big production I remember the days when we were happy Those days have gone away And I've shed the last tear from my eyes Put one shell in my head And one shell in the sky This blood will stain you And I can't help but smile With one big hole in my chest And one inside my heart I'll scream if I have to Just to have you hear me Aren't you so fucking happy nowadays Wear your lies on your sleave I know my voice will haunt you forever Grey skies will cover up your ghost Eyeliner and a handful of rounds That's your answer to every problem in life I remember the days when we were happy Those days have gone away And I've shed the last tear from my eyes Put one shell in my head And one shell in the sky This blood will stain you And I can't help but smile With on big hole in my chest And one inside my heart I'll scream if I have to Just to have you hear me Press your lips against mine Lose sight of the time Forget the notion of Ohio You fit so well in my arms I remember the days when we were happy Those days have gone away And I've shed the last tear from my eyes Put one shell in my head And one shell in the sky This blood will stain you And I can't help but smile With on big hole in my chest And one inside my heart I'll scream if I have to Just to have you hear me Ummm...so yeah. Those are the working lyrics right now. No music to them yet, just things I needed to get out on paper before the feeling left. Comment if you want. (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Dried Eyes and Broken Hearts Time: 4:24 pm. Mood: crazy. I didn't get the letter... Yet... The wind blew hard today... And somehow... The only time I felt it... Was when she wasn't around... But that's become the standard... I can smell her in my clothes... Maybe I should stop trying so hard... Trying to obtain something that will never be mine... The whispers... The statements... The emotions... No... The emotions will remain... But I need a realization... Something that I need to understand... I cannot have what I want... But she will still be in my life... And that is all I can really ask for... I need to learn some self-control... To stop making her life more difficult... Just as everything... Time heals all... And makes everything known... Tick, Tick, Tick... When is the time Angel? Wednesday, November 12th, 2003 (Watch the falling snow) Subject: Forever Doesn't Seem So Bad Time: 8:43 am. Mood: awake. I will keep both promises made... I won't ever bring it up again... And I will be here... Always. **addition** I was told that I have a letter waiting for me... Not an email letter... But an actual letter... From her... Mixed emotions arise due to this... But I'm just going to roll with it like I do with everything else in life.

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